daysoflore.com

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head saying,
You’ll never reach it.
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction.
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith

(Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J)

I love when mainstream bands aren’t afraid to show their reverence:

by Carolina Liar

Wait, I’m wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I’ll be strong
I’m finding it hard to resist
So show me what I’m looking for

Save me, I’m lost
Oh Lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for… oh Lord

Don’t let go
I’ve wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I’ve learned to love abuse
Please show me what I’m looking for

Save me, I’m lost
Oh Lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I’m wrong
I can’t do better than this
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused… oh Lord.

I received a text this morning from my friend Colleen, who not for the first time, has unknowingly reassured me that no matter how bleak things can be one day and great looking the next, God is always in control, and I just feel so comforted knowing that, especially during a very confusing time for me right now.

She sent everyone a great passage, from Hebrews, Ch 11:1….

.
ahh, it further cements my favorite motto. avere fiducia. have faith.

And then I hear this song for the first time today; such a great addition to that beautiful passage…

We were driving home from James’ school this afternoon and he had one of his “just remembered something that happened a way long time ago that I wanna talk about again” moment. This one was about the tornado that hit the Perris area earlier this year during the crazy winter/rainy season.

James: Mommy remember the tormado (yes he pronounces it with an “m”) that you were in before?
Me: (being a bad Mommy and not listening completely because I’m listening to John & Ken on KFI 640) Yeah…”
James: How–
Me: Wait– what?! What tornado?
James: The tormado that you were in remember? How did it make your body feel like?
Me: I was never in a tornado, silly kid!
James: Remember you said there was a tormado that you saw and it pushed the train?
Me: Ohhhh, no the freeway that I was driving on, it had a tornado on it, but when I reached that area it was already gone. And yes, it pushed a train over so that was really crazy to see! Isn’t that good that the tornado had already gone by the time Mommy reached that area?
James: Yeah because your car would have flown in the sky huh?
Me: Yep.
James: And you would have gone to heaven!
Me: (uneasy chuckle) yeeeah, that could have happened.
James: Well when you’re in heaven do you stay there forever?
Me: Yep, when you go home to God, you gotta stay there.
James: Well if you go to heaven I can just ask God to give you back to me.

I think I switched the tone pretty quickly at this point, saying something like, “So yeah that train was SO big but it got pushed over anyway so that means the wind was so strong, crazy huh?!” And he forgot all about the previous conversation and went from there. I switched it over because the last time we had a talk about “death” and “dying” and “going home” and all that, he ended up in tears saying, “I don’t ever want to die because I want to stay here with you forever and I don’t want you to die either!” And that was like, a couple of months ago I think. It was then I realized he was way too young and didn’t have a real handle on his emotions yet to speak about subjects like that, although I had no regrets about trying to talk to him about it. This way I can see where he is emotionally and what he can handle, and that he at least understands somewhat what happens to someone when they’ve passed on.

This is definitely one of the hard parts about being a parent. The couple of months ago that he brought up death and he started crying as I explained about it, it just broke my heart. I couldn’t console him and tell him it was going to be okay and that it was all a part of life. He didn’t stop crying for a good five minutes, but I held him just as long, and even longer. I told him, “Trust me kid, I wouldn’t ever want us to be apart either. We have too much fun huh?”

And he looked up at me with his tear soaked cheeks dripping on my shirt, and said, “Yeah, I’m way too much fun to die!”

[have faith]

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. ”
Psalm 40:1

Thank You, Lord, not only for always being there to provide, but for giving me the strength and courage to always have faith.

Enjoying a swim in Uncle Brian’s backyard with Chris and our buddy Jonathan.

(yes, camping photos still to come.. I told you I wasn’t laboring…)

… is clearly what I am when it comes to my kids some days.

Especially with James lately. He will be six in a couple of months and is getting better and better at finding that frail little last nerve of mine to step on. He complains about every little thing right down to the dinners I make:

“The rice is touching the chicken mahhhhmeeeeeee, I told you I don’t like them touching!!!!”

And his talking back is getting worse and worse. I know he doesn’t really realize the harm he’s doing there, after all, most of it is inquisitively put, but still! I was raised by my parents to not ever even dare have conversations like this little gem from two nights ago:

Me: James, please clean your room.
James: But I’m playing right now.
Me: It doesn’t matter, you need to clean your room now.
James: But why?
Me (temper rising but trying very hard to keep it cool): Because I am asking you to!
James (storming away towards his room while stomping his feet and starting to cry): Uggghhhh!! That’s so mean!

And the entire time he’s “cleaning” his room, I hear angry mumbling and crashing of toys in his toy box, and not until I finally YELL for him to “stop before I go over there” does the cleaning continue quietly.

So I’ve been praying for James. A lot. But the more I prayed, the more God responded with, “Um, yeah it’s you who needs to change. You need to accept James for who he is, and not just try to tolerate him. Learn to appreciate and enjoy him, even with all his five-year-old-quirks.”

Wow… yeah, what a wake up call to realize I’m totally and completely screwing a bunch of it up. “Your kids will do what you DO, and NOT what you say.” Someone told me that when James turned two. I can’t remember who it was but despite keeping that piece of advice in constant repeat in my head, you can still hear me yelling and losing my temper some days when I wish I would have just taken a breath and kept my cool.

.
So now I’ve began praying for myself more. For patience, for understanding, for God to help me be a better mom for my kids. So that even if they do what I do and not what I say, it will still be for the better.

{ Lord, please change me! Forgive me for being irritable, and help me to be the loving, understanding, and accepting mom my kids need. And please help me to see James and all his “five-year-old-ness” through Your eyes. And Lord thank You for Your grace and patience with me. And even during my walk with You, even as I take three steps forward, thank you for always being there to catch me when I fall two steps back. }

Hey, I totally know what you’re going through. Trust me, I’ve been there and there will be days when you feel like giving up and turning in, because it seems there is no end to these crazy hard times. But things will get better, and that light at the end of the tunnel will be the sight for your sore eyes, if you just keep the faith, and remember that God will provide. He will never give you more than you can handle, and you will come out of this stronger.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalm 147:3

You will feel discouraged many times, but just remember, when you get to the end of your rope, you’ll find God there. And you’ll be amazed at the grace He gives you, again and again and again.

If you haven’t seen Nasa’s picture of the Helix Nebula check it out:

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap030510.html

The image depicts the so-called Helix Nebula, described by astronomers as “a trillion-mile-long tunnel of glowing gases.” At its center is dying, Sun-like star which has ejected masses of dust and gas to form tentacle-like filaments stretching toward an outer rim composed of the same material. The Sun itself may look like this in several billion years.

This image was NASA’s “Astronomy Picture of the Day” for 10 May 2003. The picture’s “Eye of God” appellation appears to have been a title coined by an admirer of the photo due to the nebula’s resemblance to a human eye, not something designated by NASA. (snopes.com)

The scientific standpoint is amazing and wonderous and is so interesting to learn.

But from what the picture looks like, I can’t help but be in awe of faith too.

And as it is, science only goes so far, but God will always be.

All of You, is more than enough for all of me,
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me, with Your love.
And all I have in You, is more than enough.

-Chris Tomlin