… is clearly what I am when it comes to my kids some days.
Especially with James lately. He will be six in a couple of months and is getting better and better at finding that frail little last nerve of mine to step on. He complains about every little thing right down to the dinners I make:
“The rice is touching the chicken mahhhhmeeeeeee, I told you I don’t like them touching!!!!”
And his talking back is getting worse and worse. I know he doesn’t really realize the harm he’s doing there, after all, most of it is inquisitively put, but still! I was raised by my parents to not ever even dare have conversations like this little gem from two nights ago:
Me: James, please clean your room.
James: But I’m playing right now.
Me: It doesn’t matter, you need to clean your room now.
James: But why?
Me (temper rising but trying very hard to keep it cool): Because I am asking you to!
James (storming away towards his room while stomping his feet and starting to cry): Uggghhhh!! That’s so mean!
And the entire time he’s “cleaning” his room, I hear angry mumbling and crashing of toys in his toy box, and not until I finally YELL for him to “stop before I go over there” does the cleaning continue quietly.
So I’ve been praying for James. A lot. But the more I prayed, the more God responded with, “Um, yeah it’s you who needs to change. You need to accept James for who he is, and not just try to tolerate him. Learn to appreciate and enjoy him, even with all his five-year-old-quirks.”
Wow… yeah, what a wake up call to realize I’m totally and completely screwing a bunch of it up. “Your kids will do what you DO, and NOT what you say.” Someone told me that when James turned two. I can’t remember who it was but despite keeping that piece of advice in constant repeat in my head, you can still hear me yelling and losing my temper some days when I wish I would have just taken a breath and kept my cool.
.
So now I’ve began praying for myself more. For patience, for understanding, for God to help me be a better mom for my kids. So that even if they do what I do and not what I say, it will still be for the better.
{ Lord, please change me! Forgive me for being irritable, and help me to be the loving, understanding, and accepting mom my kids need. And please help me to see James and all his “five-year-old-ness” through Your eyes. And Lord thank You for Your grace and patience with me. And even during my walk with You, even as I take three steps forward, thank you for always being there to catch me when I fall two steps back. }